Laundry Woes

So here's a confession.

I'm 29 years old and I barely have any clue how to do laundry.

Granted this doesn't stop me from actually doing laundry because I know the basics. I can separate the whites from the coloreds from the darks. I know to take my jeans out of the dryer before they shrink. Etc.

Anything beyond the most basic of laundry functions however, is lost on me.

Specifically it's the wash cycles I don't understand. When it comes to washing my clothes I never use the delicate cycle because I don't have anything I would qualify as delicate. If I did, I wouldn't wear it. The only thing I would wash in the delicate cycle is maybe... wine glasses.

I understand that women have clothes that are made of silk and lace and other such fabrics. For them, a gentle cycle probably makes sense. And that's why I propose we rename the delicate cycle as "Lady Stuff."

This way we will stop confusing men who try to do laundry, ultimately preventing millions of couples every year from fighting and moving one step closer to my ultimate dream washing machine that has only one button that says "WASH THESE CLOTHES."

I know there are other wash cycles that exist but the fact that I can't remember what their called speaks to how little I really pay attention to them.

The laundry wash cycles are practically idiot proof when you consider how my clothes demand they be treated.

I find it both presumptuous and rude that every single garment, towel, sheet, and thing I wear has a little tag on it that tells me how that specific thing should be washed. Every single piece of fabric has a tiny two page guide printed in microscopic font explaining the particular needs, hopes, desires and dreams of this cotton thing.

Here's a question for you, manufacturers of clothes...

Are you out of your damn mind?

Do you think I'm going to look at the label of 49 different things before I put them in the washing machine? I didn't read the handbook for my first car and that was a 2,000-pound pile of metal that could burst into flames or massacre somebody at any point in time. You think I'm going to read the tiny print on the inside of my corduroys?

Yea, right.

I'm sure all of my clothes would look better if I followed those instruction to a t, just like I'm sure all my clothes would look better if they were ironed by individuals gnomes assigned to each specific article. But neither of those things is going to happen.

The bureaucratic mess that is the dryer industry doesn't make it any easier by creating cycles that are completely incomprehensible using rational human thought.

Case and point? Permanent Press.

Oh ok. What the hell does this mean? The only thing I know about permanent press is that the laundry machine in my building has a sign on the machine telling people not to use permanent press. Are we not qualified? Do we not have the appropriate training?

If this is a permanent function I should only need to use it once right? And what is being pressed? You are spinning my fabrics around in a hot circle for 45 minutes. At one point does the pressing happen? 

You know what I think?

I think the dryer industry is just lying to us.

This might sound redundant but how about a dryer that comes with one button that says "DRY THESE CLOTHES."

And I know I am not the first or the last to bring this up but can we just for a minute talk about the whole missing sock thing?


It's not like I keep my dirty laundry on the fire escape and some of it blows away every once in a while. I live in a two-room apartment. If I lose ANYTHING it is either in one room, or the other. If I lose a chap stick or a scarf or anything like that, it's entirely possible I could have lost it at any point throughout the day. Those things I put on and take off multiple times in different locations.

But I don't take off my socks when I go into a coffee shop. I don't shove one sock in my pocket when I need to make a phone call. My socks stay on throughout the entire day and only come off when I am actually inside of my apartment.

The only time I think it's acceptable to lose only one sock is when I go to the beach and for whatever reason, that just never happens to me. I always come home with two socks and enough sand to burry a pyramid.

But somehow, in the process of going from my room to the laundry room and back, I end up in some serious sock debt.

So you'll understand that as of last year I no longer wear matching socks. And it's for two reasons. First, I started running out of matching socks. And second, I just got sick of folding socks. It just was no longer worth my time. All those minutes I spent folding socks I could have spent doing something I actually gave a crap about.

I no longer need to care about where the other sock went because now every sock I own is the other sock.

And I've given up trying to figure out what permanent press does.

Maybe it tracks down lost socks.