The Life and Death and Birth of My TV

When I moved into my apartment 5 years ago I didn't have a television. And that suited me just fine.

But then my parents moved out of their house and gave me their TV.

Woohoo free TV!

The only challenge with their television was that it was a beautiful 32 inch television... from around 1997. The TV was almost as deep as it was wide, and weighed no less than an adolescent gorilla.

It was one of those "if you can move it, you can have it" type of deals. So, I coerced my best friend into shlepping the thing from my house, up stairs, into the car, and then into my apartment building.

Considering it was so massive we brought along a small plastic dolly to push the TV along while walking through the lobby of my building. The plan was to save our energy for actually lifting the TV up to my entertainment center.

This plan failed miserably as one of the wheels on the dolly immediately broke off upon receiving the full weight of the TV.

So we didn't really roll the TV through my lobby, kind of half-rolled half-scraped it though, getting it into the elevator as soon as possibly and not turning behind us to see what damage we had done to my new building.

The three heaviest things in the universe, in order from greatest to least are as follows:

Pull-out sofas
And Televisions made before the year 2000

I was fortunate enough to have two of the three in my apartment. The good thing about my pull-out sofa is that it just sits on the floor and I was lucky enough to have it delivered to my apartment by trained, fast moving professionals.

The TV on the other hand, had to be lifted onto a platform two feet in the air by a pair of lazy idiots.

Lifting a 100 pound box that is pretty much flat on all side with no distinct grips or indentations is only slightly more challenging than trying to build a barn by yourself.

It seemed nearly impossible.

However at this point my friend and I had already moved the TV this far, and moving it back would be, just, we weren't moving it back.

So the two of us get into the most awkward squatting position possible borderline molesting the television trying to find a good grip while simultaneously starting the process of trying to elevate this enormous dense cube.

Immediately after lifting the television off it's pathetic transportation device the two of us began spewing a list of curse words that would have made Andrew Dice Clay proud. We hadn't moved the TV 6 inches up and already I wanted to give up.

I started rationalizing it in my head.

What do I even need this for? I don't really watch TV. I'll just watch stuff on the internet (that I stole from my neighbors) and read books.

When we had lifted the TV halfway onto it's destination I started contemplating whether or not my insurance was going to cover the hernia surgery I was going to need. What would I say when I got to the doctor's office.

Dr.: How did this happen?
Rich: I REALLY like television.

Fortunately, I didn't have to make that call because we managed to get the TV onto the entertainment center, at which point my friend told me that if I ever needed to move anything again... to not call him.

We're good friends.

Over the past 5 years my TV has slowly slipped into old age. First the sound on some of the channels started to go, then the remote lost some of it's function. It got to the point that the only way I could get the remote to work was by pushing so hard on the buttons that my vision would go dark.

So I could only watch TV if I was going to watch something where I wouldn't change the channel for hours on end. I pretty much only watched football.

I questioned whether even having a TV was worth it anymore.

The only reason I didn't get rid of it was because just the idea of moving it made my groin hurt.

However, this Christmas my sister bought me a brand new television!

The TV had all kinds of amazing features like WiFi, and Netflix, and functioning remote control! I couldn't wait to install it.

Of course I would have to get rid of the old one first. I didn't call my friend. I called in a professional. I asked my super if anybody needed a 20 year old television the size of a farm tractor. He told me to throw it out. I didn't argue.

He came up with a dolly that was made out of metal and carted my behemoth away. The void in my living room was noticeable. I felt like I suddenly had a spare room there was so much space.

When the TV was finally delivered, the difference between installing my old TV and my new TV immediately apparent. Even though they both were the same screen size, I could carry my new TV up to my apartment with one hand. I didn't even have to have my health insurance card ready.

New TV.jpg

I plugged in my TV, connected it to my WiFi, and was immediately amazed. I felt like I had some kind of future box in my living room. I couldn't get over it. I haven't watched a lot of TV since it came but I have watched a ton of movies.

Also I change the channel a lot... just because I can.