Most of the time I give the impression that I'm cool and chill. My mind might be going a mile a minute but it doesn't show.
Except when it latches onto something that I can't let go of.
Like the other night when I went to go get pizza. Two slices of plain cheese with a Mug root beer.
I grab my meal and sit at a table facing the door where a kid In basketball shorts and a sweatshirt who has been waiting for his food starts checking his pockets furiously.
Right away I know what this is. I know what's going on and I am completely unable to focus on absolutely anything else.
The kid had lost his money.
So now I'm obsessively watching him pace 20 feet back and forth while alternating sticking his hand in his four pockets.
Left leg, right leg, left hip, right hip.
Over and over again while repeating the phrase:
This is impossible I just had it.
I know that situation because I've been there. The feeling of no sensation to sheer panic and confusion with absolutely no idea what to do.
I get it.
And I felt bad for the kid. I really did.
But after he had paced the length of he empty shop 10 times and checked his pockets dozens more I started to lose my patience.
Because what he was doing wasn't helping the situation at all nor was he doing anything to state his case.
His food was already ordered and he wasn't going to leave or say anything until it was ready.
I realize I am being a bit unfair. After all the kid was probably only 15.
But he had waxed eyebrows and that bothered me.
Back, forth, pocket, pocket, pocket, pocket.
I am chewing my pizza, I am swallowing it, but I am not enjoying it because all I can think about is what is going to happen when he finally has to tell pizza man what happened. There is a pit in my stomach anticipating this interaction.
The longer it goes on, and mind you it was from the time I started my first slice of pizza to the time I finished my second so ya know, not biblical lengths of time, but the longer it goes on the more angst I develop and the more I want to yell at this kid.
It'd obviously not on this completely empty floor and yes it IS, possible it's extremely possible so stop fake looking for your money and either say what happened or go find your money.
The situation was obviously heightened for me because I approach pizza consumption like an oversized javelina.
And being distracted from pizza is more severe for me than being distracted from other meals because I am fanatical about the temperature of my pizza. (the longer this goes on the more unflattering a picture this paints of me, I see that)
It is not hyperbole to say that I burn the roof of my mouth on pizza. It's probably due to the system I developed for eating pizza thereby enabling me to enjoy more hot pizza longer than your average pizza schmuck.
I just save the crusts for last since they aren't as hot anyway and don't require increased temperature to remain tasty.
I used to be more maniacal and order three slices to go but insist on eating one while walking to my apartment because I wanted to make sure I didn't waste time.
I DONT KNOW WHY THIS ALL STARTED!
I just wanted to eat my pizza while it was still hot.
So being distracted during pizza time, an already semi-psychotic eating experience on it's own, becomes a really severe circumstance.
Do you see where I'm going with all this?
Outside of pizza, my spontaneous anxiety has also manifested itself in other ways.
Like what bothers other people is starting to affect me. For instance if I see a woman on the train focused on something a kid is doing, I myself become obsessed with both the woman and the kid, in a mobius strip of distraction.
I become unable to focus because I become distracted by somebody else being distracted.
Its like like some kind of Anxiety induced butterfly effect.
I need to learn how to just look away. Out of site out of mind, kind of.
The problem is I've convinced myself that my point of view on some things is extremely important so now I', starting to think my point of view on everything is important and I must observe it all.
Rational people reading this (which lets be honest, what ARE you doing here) might say something witty like
I admire their courage and gumption. I sometimes worry that I'm one obsession from becoming completely unhinged.
Seriously its a fear.
I watched a documentary once where a man finishing his doctorate at the age of 30 suddenly snapped and started yelling nonstop for three hours a day and ended up in a mental institution.
I worry that might happen to me. That I too will go on rants about lost money and juvenile delinquency that drive other people mad and cause THEM to yell for hours a day whilst I throw slices of pizza at strangers thereby causing an irrevocable chain of effects that turns the whole world insane.
I just hope I finish my pizza before it happens.